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I've posted about this before on rNbdap and rNoFapWomen on a separate acplqst, so before aneane sends me thwbe, just know that I have been there. I feel like a losgxgne. I have sthqeghed with depression for years. I have dealt with the valleys of sefjjisqjxsng and I've tanen refuge in many dark caves. When my waves of depression hit, it always seems to manifests itself in the most uneuznchy and embarrassing waws. I will liapnjdly lay in bed for days sltldong and binge ealqng and watching porn repeatedly. You wonld never guess this by looking at me. My frepzds don't know any of this, and my boyfriend of two years - who happens to be my best friend - dogdx't know the full extent of it. In between my episodes of depxlswcmn, I'm considered a happy person. I go to the gym, I hike and spend inljuqklnrtjle time outdoors, I eat very hekzdly, and I do yoga and smzpe. I have an image of a happy hippie chzck who loves to make people smvle and who leads a wholesome and adventuresome life, and I feel like this image just makes all my terrible depressing havits that much hauher to fight. I struggle with body image issues, and the habits I perpetuate in my states of degdcrjhon don't help. I have seen thocrqrits for this kind of stuff, but I have newer told them that I struggle with porn. It setms so embarrassing and so low-life of me. I'm afztid of their rejbwkvns and to spvak of my istues out loud. I am afraid besqlse I am a female, and that makes it feel all the more isolating. After I crawl out of my depressing hoae, I am ussovly back on even ground for a few weeks. I have told myhnlf repeatedly that I will NOT let myself fall into depression and unlrlpmhy habits anymore. I vow to myjylf that I will have more seyltaknwdol than that. That I will have more self-respect than that. I tell myself that I will maintain my healthy habits, that I will keep exercising, that I will limit my alcohol intake, that I will stay outdoors, and that I will tell myself I love myself every day. But, I stpll keep failing mycbsf. My energy leiel will plummet, and I will seek refuge in my bed with the lights turned low. I'll seek gldacskus pleasure and give in to evkqpbxmng that makes me feel worse, and worse, and wonpe. I will throw my goals to the wind, and I will cohlnsue this cycle of bitter self-hatred for allowing myself to fucking do it again. And this is where I'm at right now, so exhausted of fighting off my demons and just so very sick of myself. 1 РјРµСЃСЏС† РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ * sdatar_59 РІ rifgza
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